I need a place to get out of my head! I need a way to stop the noise that is racing through the cortex of my brain. The incessant chatter is starting to interrupt the sweet sleep I so desperately need to function.
I have spent days trying to form a thought that would allow me to sit and put pen to paper. I am so desperately
trying to see the God stories I know are happening all around me, but as soon as I begin to see a slight flicker it is chased away by this incessant chirping.
I have been doing life with Father long enough to know I need to switch my focus to His word. So, I open my Bible and begin reading, hoping something will wrangle my thoughts and silence the chaos of my mind. But even there, the noise overtakes me and the words on the page elude me.
Between the words of the scripture race the thoughts of my day. As much as I try to focus my thoughts they are stolen from me and there I sit. Appearing to everyone around me entranced by what I’m reading, but in reality barely there; seeing nothing but white paper with lines of black.
As I throw my head back, hands to forehead and look toward my ceiling. I allow this question to rise to the surface and be heard, “Father, why?”
That’s all that formulates…
I can sense the answer is coming. The anticipation of it stirs a rumbling in my belly that brings me to a place of nausea. And I almost stop letting it come. Then something inside me rises to the top and pushes through the noise, daring me to face whatever truth is on the way.
I hear it…
But don’t want to repeat it, because it hurts my heart!
This truth that will pour out a soothing salve will make me face a self inflicted reality.
But I have this [one charge to make] against you,
that you have left (abandoned) the love that you had at first
[you have deserted Me, your first love].
Rev. 2:4 (AMP)
And there it is..
Although some may find this harsh, I really see the heart of my Father in such correction. I asked the question, “why?” and He responded with Truth. The only Truth that would make sense and the only Truth that would bring healing.
This noise and clatter and chaos running rampant in my head is a result of my choice. My choice to let other things become more important than Him. I have not stopped loving Him, I’ve just abandoned putting that love first by putting the world first.
Do not love or cherish the world or the things that are in the world.
If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in him.
1 John 2:15 (AMP)
Please don’t see or feel any condemnation in this! I don’t! What should be seen is a Savior who is teaching, in real time, how to “not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of my mind. Then I will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Rom 12:2 NIV)