Thoughts are Swirling!

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Here are some random things that have been swirling around in my head lately. This could either be dangerous or stupid…not sure which one – yet!

1 – I seem to struggle with living out my authentic self because of fear!

FEAR OF…

Being misunderstood

Saying the wrong thing

Looking the wrong way

Hurting others feelings

Not being liked because of who I am

Not fitting in

Being different

I know that God is working some things out in me that will bring me to a place of reconciliation within myself. It seems silly that at the age of 51 I am still uncomfortable with myself at times. Maybe uncomfortable is not the right word..more like uncertain!

There is this great Desire residing within me to feel free enough to express the authentic me. It is engulfed by an unconditional love and freedom to just let my spirit soar. Although this bubbles up inside, to the point of uncontrollable joy and laughter, I often find myself suppressing it because of my fears.

2 – I am not fond of the one word question “Why?”

Most times I feel it is only asked to question your motive or to make you defend yourself. It is a question to me that exposes a person’s dis-trust in your ability or reasoning.

With that said, I guess Father feels the same way when I pose that one word question to Him.

Ouch…didn’t see that coming!

3 – I am not a good listener.

This post is not making me look very good!

But it’s true…I’m not. Especially with Mr. Wonderful (sorry Honey!) After 25 years I think I know what he’s going to say before he gets finished.

Note to self and Mr. Wonderful: Work on this – daily!

As for everyone else; I find myself hearing the first part of the conversation, and then I go into this strange place in my head where I start formulating a response before they ever get to the end. It’s almost like I have the perfect answer, solution or example to their situation.

Because I am admitting this means I am taking steps to rectify the problem. It just may take a while because I’ve had a lot of practice,at not listening; 40+ yrs. – at least (I’m giving myself 10 good ones).

4 – I don’t have as much to say as I thought I did.

After practicing the listening thing I had this epiphany! Call it my lightbulb moment or as Oprah says, “My ‘aha’ moment”.

When I allow the conversation to complete itself before I respond I have found there are usually more questions than answers. I gain a better understanding of what is really being said and find I am more interested in their insight and knowledge than revealing my own.

5 – I love a pretty, put together house; but am overwhelmed by the barrenness of my own.

I have this beautiful home!

Thank you Mr. Wonderful!

It has such beautiful potential.

I have read decorating, DIY, and gardening blogs to find inspiration. I have bought magazines and torn them apart, keeping the pages that speak to the beautiful home I hope to create. I have become a Pinterest addict – I pin everything, but do absolutely nothing with it.

I finally have walls to paint, pictures to hang and my creative spirit has a four bedroom canvas to work with! So what’s the problem!?!

Empty rooms scare me…to the point of becoming paralyzed.

Maybe this is one of those fear things for me…Fear of making a mistake!

Well now that I have utterly exposed myself I need to leave you (and myself) with this quote by Samuel Beckett.

“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”

One last thought.

6 – Life is about living – fears, faults, failures and all..

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