For the past couple of months the only descriptive word I could come up with to describe how I was feeling was…STUCK!
I think I shocked everyone who asked with that little five letter word.
I can only assume they were expecting some other options – angry, sad, lost, heartbroken. Those are the usual go to responses when you loose someone in your life – right!?! So why was stuck the only word that seemed to be able to pass from between my lips? As confused as everyone else seemed to be, I was just as equally confused.
Friday night, after a fun-filled Valentine evening with Mr. Wonderful…pizza, Olympic gazing and chocolate covered strawberries…I could not for the life of me go to sleep. (And NO it was NOT the pizza!) That one little word just kept creeping across the billboard of my mind.
As I lay there I just asked the Lord why I felt so STUCK. His response was so simple I almost refused to accept it.
He asked in response to my question why I was not allowing myself to just be sad. Why couldn’t I allow myself to feel that emotion and go with it? Why did I insist on pretending I was okay?
“SAD!” I don’t do sad. It’s an emotion that invokes a feeling of being weak and vulnerable. And growing up I was not allowed the luxury of giving in to such emotions. I was told you had to suck it up and move on because that’s just life.
As I lay there thinking about what Jesus had suggested some things started replaying in my head that had occurred within the last year; my youngest daughter and her family moved to Alaska, Mom’s health and well-being took a nose dive – resulting in her death, I have seen vascular dementia steal my dad away and I was hurt (on a deeper level than I understood) by a very dear friend.
As I acknowledged those things I could hear Jesus say, “You deserve to be sad. Those things happened and you have refused to allow them due process.” I then began to realize why I felt so stuck. I was in a place of limbo and now it was up to me to allow myself to move on. As my eyelids slowly closed I recalled the scripture “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)
I would like to say the next morning I woke up in a completely different space. But no…still stuck!
It wasn’t until later that evening I read something that put a determination in me to accept the challenge of allowing Jesus to bring me through this. I have a devotional book, “Jesus Calling” written by Sarah Young and on February 16 it spoke directly to where I was at.
She writes, “Quietness and trust enhance your awareness of My Presence with you.” Along with, “Although you feel cut off from the activity of the world, your quiet trust makes a powerful statement in spiritual realms.”
Through all of this I know I have to allow myself to be sad. I need to give myself permission to feel it, but I don’t need to keep it. I need to feel it then release it, so that in my weakness Christ can prove to be strong on my behalf in all of this. Sadness is only a limitation if I allow it to take up residence and don’t allow myself to find Christ in the midst of my circumstances.
This will prove to be a daily challenge for me. But I’m up for it, because I know all things work for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).
I hope my transparency in this, helps you all in some small way. Have a tremendously blessed walk today!