Are You Creating Mountains?
I make the call and set up the appointment. The guy on the other end of the phone assures me everything will be fine tomorrow. I will be a good fit for this particular class. As I hang up the phone I am already beginning to doubt my decision. I have abut 12 hours to find a way to embrace the decision or talk myself out of it.
I wake up ready for my day. Begin mapping it out and how I am going to fit this appointment into my schedule with the least amount of interruption. I glance up at the clock, grab my keys and head out the door. I will have enough time to get there with plenty of time to spare.
I am certainly feeling a sense of success and accomplishment for the beginning of my day!
As I pull out of the driveway my nerves begin to take control of my mind. And fear begins to choke out any rational thought. I am trying everything within me to pull out my inner strength and talk through all this doubt.
“Why did I agree to this?” This is not for the faint hearted. This is going to require a strength and confidence I’m not sure I have. My physical abilities are pretty limited considering I haven’t done anything like this ever! Granted, I haven’t ever really challenged myself to this level either.
You see, I have agreed to step into a Crossfit gym with people I do not know, to do exercises I’m sure only body builders are physically capable of! Why would I have ever thought this was a good idea?
I just know all eyes are going to be focused on me…the girl who has been a couch potato for the last 15 years of her life.
I can already feel the pressure of performance choking the breath out of me as I pull into the turn lane. I’m waiting on the opportunity to make the turn, and realize this is decision time!
Do I face all this self-talk of doubt straight on, pull in, get out of the car and shut the mouth of the lion and silence his roar?
I pull back out onto the highway and head straight to a source of comfort. Something that will calm my nerves and help me think more clearly…Whataburger!
Sitting in the drive-thru line my phone sounds. A new text message has come in and it is the trainer asking if I am on my way. This question escapes through the passage of my mind, “What should I tell him?” As if I was going to be given the okay to lie. “Tell him the truth”, the Spirit whispers.
So, I admit my fear! I tell him straight out, “I chickened out! Couldn’t pull into the parking lot because I couldn’t face what was waiting for me inside those gym walls!” End of conversation…no response! Whew! That was done.
I thought for certain the taquito and Coke would make everything better, but it didn’t. This blanket of “unknown” wrapped around me so tightly that I broke. I began shaking and crying. Not really understanding why, but nonetheless – broken. The mountain that stood before me was insurmountable. A bigger challenge than I was capable of scaling, so I ate my feelings, pushed past the tears and went to work.
Now feeling a sense of defeat and failure for the remainder of my day.
Have you ever been in this place where you just couldn’t face a simple challenge? I mean, it wasn’t like I was being asked to perform brain surgery! It was a workout. An opportunity to make a better choice. A choice that was going to enhance my life not topple it.
I had taken my eye off the goal and started focusing on the problem. The goal was me becoming stronger, not only for myself but for my husband, children and grandchildren. The problem was my insecurity of not being able, qualified or fit. The goal was for me to become responsible for my health and not let my health take hold of me. The problem was my fear of failure.
This was the lie that I allowed to be repeated over and over in my head, “You don’t know anything about creating a healthier lifestyle so just settle in and accept this is not going to work for you.”
This one lie had set up a myriad of land mines I was now trying to find a way to navigate. It was as if my focus on the obstacle had produced a mountain I couldn’t find a way to speak to.
I knew all the scriptures on fear, but they were bringing me no peace. I kept telling myself this was just so stupid. There should be no reason for me to feel so overwhelmed. It was as if this mountain had cast me into the sea and I was drowning.
And then Peter and the boat and the waves pulled me into reality. His encounter with Jesus on the lake spoke straight to my fear!
“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
“Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat,
walked on the water and came toward Jesus.
But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink,
cried out, “Lord, save me!”
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.
You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
When had my faith become so thin? How had my fear gotten so strong?
“Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed,
you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’
and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”
As I read and re-read these scriptures I knew I had flipped the script in my head and I needed to reverse the lie. I needed to trust the Word and not my fear, because that would produce a faith that could walk on water and move mountains.
I am happy to report I didn’t let my fear win, I went back and pulled into the parking lot. It took a couple of days; but I began to allow my spirit of love, power and self control set attainable goals. I have started casting that mountain into the sea…one workout at a time.
How’s the best way to move a mountain? One rock at a time!